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            Relationship: 应该在乎别人对自己的看法么?

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            Even the introverts amongst us – myself included! – are social beings. It’s natural for us to pay attention to what other people might be thinking. The problem is, worrying about what other people think can lead us to take on too many commitments, deny our true goals and passions, settle for a life of “people-pleasing”.

            On the other hand, paying no heed at all to how others might be thinking of us can lead to professional and personal relationships turning sour.

            Here are some steps that’ll help you find a healthy balance.

            Step 1: Pay Attention – But Don’t Worry

            Worrying rarely gets you anywhere in life. Don’t spend time feeling unhappy or anxious about how others might be thinking of you. Try not to let your emotions cloud the issue here, and don’t spend time trying to “mind-read” other people.

            You’re often your own worst critic – and frankly, most people have far too much on your minds to care whether you’re slightly over/under-dressed for a situation, for instance.

            Step 2: Does Their Opinion Matter?

            Stop caring what random strangers think of you. If you like to sing as you walk round your local park, and someone passing gives you a weird look – it really doesn’t matter. Their opinion isn’t going to affect you in any way.

            The same goes for all sorts of situations. For example, a problem that many overweight people have when they’re trying to get in shape is that they’d like to go to the gym or to an exercise class, but they’re worried what people will think of them. Ask yourself “can what they think hurt me?” or “does their opinion matter?” until you feel confident enough to go ahead with what you want.

            Step 3: Use the Feedback

            If you get a negative reaction from a key figure in your life, like your boss, then pay attention. If your boss is fanatical about keeping a tidy desk and you couldn’t care less, it’s worth adjusting your behavior – especially if your boss scowls every time s/he sees your desk.

            Don’t make assumptions about what other people are thinking, though: make sure you really do have evidence. In the absence of any real evidence, try assuming the best! For example, if someone sends you a rather curt email, assume that they were just in a hurry – don’t start worrying over whether they dislike you.

            Step 4: Put Your Goals First

            Perhaps you have very different goals to your family and friends. Perhaps you’re keen to get a GREat grade in school, but your friends think you should just join them in partying and having a laugh. It doesn’t really matter what they think: your goals should be more important than their opinion.

            The same goes for all sorts of situations. Maybe you’ve ended up in a career you hate because it’s what your parents wanted you to do. Your goals should never be dictated by other people.

            (If you don’t have any explicit goals, that might be why you’re prone to worrying about what other people think – because you don’t have your own plan for your life. You might want to read 11 Useful Tips on Setting Goals and Achieving Them.)

            Step 5: Value Your Values

            If other people scoff at your values, ignore them. Perhaps you’d like to read more about personal development and self-improvement, but you’re worried your friends would just laugh at you if they found out. Maybe you’re keen to do your best at work even when the boss is away – but everyone else thinks you’re an idiot for not joining them in slacking off.

            Whatever the situation, make sure you’re holding tight to your values, rather than being swept along by other people’s. Many people will actually be impressed (even if they don’t say so) – because you’ve had the conviction to stick to what you believe is important.

            Step 6: Remember That You Don’t Have to be Popular

            Life isn’t like high school: it doesn’t matter if you’re not popular. You can’t please everyone anyway – so don’t even try. Say “no” to commitments that you don’t want to take on. Be willing to do something that goes against the crowd, if it’s what you truly believe in.

            Of course, there are a few people in life who you might want to be popular with – your spouse, your kids, and your boss, for example. But in general, most people’s opinions and thoughts about you are unlikely to have any real effect. Plus, if you behave as “yourself” and people don’t like you – would you really want them to be your friends anyway?

            Do you find yourself worrying about what other people think? How do you work past these worries? Are there times when it is appropriate to pay attention to how other people think about you?


             

            在我们中间,即使是性格内向的人,包括我自己,都是社会性的存在。去注意到别人可能产生的想法是我们的天性。问题在于,为别人的想法而烦恼会给我们带来不必要的负担,否定我们的真实目标与热情,满足于一种“别人看着高兴”的生活

            另一方面,不加注意别人对我们的看法则可能会导致职业及生活当中的人际关系恶化。

            这里有一些步骤可以帮助你找到平衡。

            第一步:加以关注——但不要为此而烦恼

            烦恼很少能影响到你的生活。不要为别人可能对你产生的想法而不高兴或者焦虑。试着不要让你的情绪集中在这件事上,同样不要花时间去猜别人的想法。

            通常,你是自己最严厉也是最坦诚的批评家。比如说,在某个场合中,让你焦虑的是大部分人都会太在意你的穿着是否太华丽或者太朴素了。

            第二步:他们的意见重要么?

            停止介意那些陌生人对你的看法。如果你喜欢在当地公园里散步时边走边唱,而某个路人用奇怪的眼神看了你一眼——这真的没什么大不了的。他们的看法不会对你产生任何影响。

            这适用于所有情况。比如说,很多胖人都遇到过的一个问题,当他们想要得到好身材时,他们要去健身房或者上健身课,但是他们担心别人会怎么看待他们。那么问问你自己“他们的想法能伤害到我么?”或者“他们的想法是否真的重要?”一直到你感到足够的自信带着理想前进。

            第三步:使用意见反馈

            如果你从生活中的重要人物那里得到一个负面反应,比如说你的老板,那么就要注意了。如果你的老板对于保持桌面整洁 相当的看重,而你又懒得管这种事,尤其是如果你的老板每次看到你的桌子时都愁眉不展,那么这值得你调整自己的行为。

            不要对别人的想法做假设,即使你确定自己真的有证据。在没有任何真实证据的情况下,尽量往好的方面想!比如说,如果某人发给你一个非常简短的电邮,设想他们刚好很匆忙,不要去担心他们是不是开始讨厌你了。

            第四步:以你自己的目标为本

            也许对于家人和朋友你有着非常不同的目标。也许在学校你非常想取得好的成绩,但是朋友们认为你应该和他们一起参加聚会,一起狂欢。他们怎么想并不是真的重要,你自己的目标比他们的意见要重要得多。

            这适用于所有情况。也许刚你中止了一个你讨厌的事业。因为,那是你的父母要你去做的。你的目标永远不应该是别人对你的指令。

            (如果你没有任何明确的目标,这可能就是你倾向于担心别人的看法的原因。因为,你对自己的人生没有自己的计划。你可能会想看看11个确立并实现目标的有效建议。)

            第五步:评估你自己的价值观

            如果别人嘲笑你的价值观,不要理睬。也许你想要更多的了解个人发展和自我完善方面的内容,但是你担心如果被朋友们发现会遭到他们的嘲笑。也许你喜欢投入地工作甚至在老板不在的时候,但是别人会因为你不和他们一起偷懒而认为你是个傻瓜。

            不管是哪种情况,务必要坚守你的价值观,而不是随着他人的想法而改变。很多人都会对此印象深刻(即使他们没有这么说)——因为,你有信念去坚持自己认为是重要的事情。

            第六步:记住,你不是一定要成为一个受欢迎的人

            人生不像是高中生活:如果你是个不受欢迎的人,也没关系。无论如何你也不可能博得所有人的欢心 ——所以,连试都不用试。拒绝对你不想做的事情做出承诺。乐意去做违背人们意愿的事情,只要你真的相信它。

            当然,在生活中你应该会想和某些人相处愉快——比如说,你的伴侣,你的孩子们,还有你的老板。但是总的来说,大部分人对你的看法和想法并不能产生实际的影响。并且,如果你做真实的自己而别人不喜欢——不管怎样,你真的想要他们做你的朋友么?

            你是否发现自己在担心别人的想法?你是怎么解决这些担忧的?是否有时会适当的对别人的想法加以注意?

            点击查看更多双语阅读

            人际关系Relationship: 应该在乎别人对自己的看法么?,转载需保留来源!

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